September 30, 2011

Paranoia and Testosterone

by nkwilczy

We were in Red Hook, right on the edge of the water, when the blunt started to take hold. I remember having said something like, “rotten rat bastard legs,” that had dragged me from my room for the seventh consecutive night. With the cannabinoids in my system though, the nausea and headache that had most bothered me about the hangover were fading away.

“Hung over at midnight,” I say, “lousy shit.”

Mike nods, his head was also ringing, he had the same almost dead look in his eyes that I had had when I woke up a half an hour earlier. Now my cigarette was burning out instead and soaking up my exhaustion.

Earlier that day, on the beach we had realized that our case of Dominican beers was in 22 oz. bottles, which we had still dutifully chugged until the sun dipped below the mountain to the west when we disposed of the trash with no small sense of pride. This was exaggerated, of course, by our blabbering incoherent state but we had still managed to secure the advice to visit Red Hook that night by a pair of attractive local girls who assured us that they would meet us there.

“Keys to the Benz? Keys to the Benz,” my companion mutters in his seat now, still half asleep he fiddles with the radio volume as he pays homage to Anna Nicole Smith.

Jesus, I shake my head, offering him my pack of cigarettes, sure to shut him up, “Have a smoke, you lunatic bastard.”

He lights it, I fumbled them back into my pocket.

“Look out!” he shouts suddenly, prompting me to slam on the breaks rather than hit an old lady who was staggering through the street in her vacation attire.

“This is tourist country,” I admitted, waving my fist at her as she tottered out of the street.

“I thought you’d see her soon enough,” he replies.

I’ve always considered myself to have a decent degree of animal magnetism. With most mammals, iguanas, birds, sure I get along; but there has always been one species of violent, ill tempered apes that has consistently evaded my attempts to socialize in a positive manner. The old lady waves her fist back at me menacingly.

Inside the bar we order our beers, sipping them as we tried to chain smoke our bodies into cooperation for one last night on the two week long binge that had been our spring break. I recline as much as I can on the stool, play with my collar.

Behind me, all of the sudden I hear, “And this is my lawyer, Nick.”

” Добрый вечер” I reply, ” Меня зовут Доктор юридических Вильчинский”

My friend gives me a strange look as the girls try to converse with me, I rebuke them with feigned ignorance, maybe these fucking people will get along with me better if they think I don’t speak a word of their language. I describe Moscow University in pretty good Russian and it really doesn’t make any difference because no one, not even Mike speaks Russian.

Which, of course, brings up all sorts of problems within the entire scenario, for starters, his lawyer? The fuck sort of a way was that to introduce a hung over wreck of a human? And the credibility is further strained when the girls ask him to explain to them, in good old Английский язык how he met a Russian lawyer, so young and clearly only recently graduated from Московский университет.

As they wander to the dance floor, leaving two obvious lunatics staring at their asses, I shake my head in disappointment at my companion. That poor fucking Mick, he never understood the fundamental gullibility of the Englishman’s culture.

These poor saps even believe that they are free. Just tell them they’re asking too many questions, spreading conspiracies, compromising national security. Hell, tell them they aren’t pretty enough. Anything to get them worked up on their own trip too much to check our facts. My newfound ignorance of Английский язык had quickly become an unmanageable liability.

Abstinence is not a terrible philosophy, although it will never make you pure. The poor suckers who engage in it just for that are only letting the secondary effects get so far into their heads that their wild visions of men with wings and all seeing eyes grow to larger than life proportion. That secondary effect is what it’s good for though, it is the real advantage. Abstinence will drive you stark raving mad. Hell, after thirty years or so of this business I could see it being perfectly reasonable not to put up a fight, to lay back and let it happen, while they nailed you to a fucking cross.

September 6, 2011

A Summary of the Totality of Modern American Politics in 4 paragraphs

by nkwilczy

What one must understand about American Politics is that no major changes will be made until the two party system is eliminated.

Furthermore, you must understand the difference; the chief and all important difference between the two parties. Republicans operate a finely tuned top down operation where people of the same viewpoint can gather to affect their political goals.

It is only a matter of organizational structure, take 3 different democrats and ask them any 3 different political questions and you will invariably receive 3 completely different answers. For the Republican Party on the other hand those three questions could easily be “Guns” “(No)Abortion” “(No)Taxes.” In fact there are other things that broad sections of that party agree on as well.

Therefore, to destroy the two party system the Republican Party must be eliminated. Not because the Democrats are any better, but because the Democrats are so markedly less competent that without the threat of the Republican Party a stiff breeze would be cause for their dismemberment.

July 20, 2011

You know, in my opinion Limericks are second only to Haikus

by nkwilczy

When the pipe dreams all are gone,
With no one left to goad you on,
Tell me. What is it that you’re supposed to do?

Smoke my cigarette and drink my coffee,
Eat a waffle with some toffee,
All the morning stuff they say will get you through.

But when all is said and done,
I’m not impressing anyone,
And I find it hard to tie the laces on my shoe.

June 26, 2011

ACM Torrent

by nkwilczy

shhh…. it’s a leak… mike doesn’t know

And I am seeding it, no matter what that damn widget thinks.

April 27, 2011

Reading Rainbow

by nkwilczy

Sorry for the long absence, I’ve been quite busy.

March 16, 2011


by nkwilczy

For those of you who look for abrasive political comments from this blog, I am sorry to disappoint. I’ve been too burned out to write anything (that’s how the man wants you, you know). In any event if Republican hypocrisy and their idea that stockbrokers provide for our future better than teachers do was going to be rejected by the public it would have been rejected long ago. It would be like invading the moon, sure nobody is going to defend it except for disembodied floating space heads, but then again nobody on earth really cares too much. Except for the teachers I suppose, but again….

I’d probably just be better off wishing you luck in finding a phone charity that won’t rip you off on donations to Japan.

February 25, 2011

Query Letter

by nkwilczy

So, in case you’ve been wondering, I’ve been quite busy lately. But just to put something up this represents like the fourth draft (the first two of which were disastrous, it’s a learning process). I would like to invite criticism, if it is there to be had then feel free to comment it in or tweet me or email me, whatever you’re in to, I’m openminded. And now you have an idea of what I’ve been up to, with my one track mind, when I am too busy to blog.

Dear Agent X,

The Upright Citizens are devoted to cleaning up their town by any means necessary, and for this small town biker gang that means firebombing the grow houses of the local marijuana farmers. Rob, a retired enforcer and veteran of the drug war in Mexico, has been running the town for years as a corrupt narco fiefdom. He has been paying off the police and hiring dozens of people to generate electricity on stationary bicycles and to work with the plants and deal the drugs throughout neighboring states. There are businesses to launder the money and multiple grow houses in the foreclosed buildings that dominate the rotten core of the ghost town.

As the motorcycle gang tries to retake their streets, the town quickly spirals into constant violence leaving everyone paranoid and isolated. In a place where nobody can tell what is right or who stands for what anymore soon there aren’t any options but to shoot back. As the attacks escalate one of the drifters who has worked on the Farm since its inception, a former crack dealer who long ago gave up his identity, launches a plan for vengeance to permanently shatter the balance of the town, and destroy any hope of coexistence.

I have been writing for many years and among the wide variety of short stories I have produced, several have been published in electronic magazines. From flash fiction, on the website Apathy is Easy to Ripper, an alternate history piece published in Changing the Times, a British Ezine. Upright Citizens is a 50419 word literary commercial fiction about marijuana prohibition, terrorism, and the senseless and divisive ‘culture war’ perpetuated by self righteous upright citizens of all political ideologies. It is filled with scenes of arson, drive by shootings, and the quest for peaceful and prosperous coexistence. Thank you for your consideration.



February 3, 2011

Late Again

by nkwilczy

The phone rings, he reaches out from under the sheets.

“Dammit Gary, this is the third time you’ve been late this week, what the hell is going on?”

“I’ll be there in a second” and he hangs up, he knows that the lecture can wait until he gets down to the shop.

He looks over at the empty space in his bed, he frowns. He used to wake up on time every morning, like a machine.

What’s the point?

Gary slides into his jeans quickly, sprays the sort of body spray that all of the ads claim will provoke the adoration of swarms of women. Gary knows better than that, he pulls on his shirt.

Gary used to eat breakfast. Gary used to wake up early and make breakfast for two, all before he went to work, dutifully, on schedule.

What’s the point?

Gary pulls out of his driveway onto Coronation Street. He is not a highly educated man, but a stoner friend of his had once subjected him to a series of youtube videos about quantum mechanics. They had claimed that a stream of electrons behaved differently depending on whether it was being observed or not.

His stoner friend had asked him, “Isn’t that like… trippy man?”

Gary was completely sober; he had no thoughts on how “trippy” it was. But he could sympathize with the electrons.

January 31, 2011

The Situation in Egypt in America…

by nkwilczy

Shout out in the streets,
“You cannot hold us for long!”
Sandstorms join the cry.

A couple of weeks ago I felt the need to change my background. Just a casual, maintenance of my computer thing, but I did not realize the butterfly effect.

You see, I chose a simple default background that came with windows, the Pyramids. It seemed like an innocent choice at first, but as time progressed I came to see its colossal ramifications.

I’m not saying that I predicted the events in Egypt last week and over the weekend. No, nobody would dare claim anything that crazy. What I’m saying is that I caused them.

Further support for this thesis can be found from the fact that I can find Egypt on a map. It’s right next to Israel, I know where Israel is, sometimes I fly off the handle with anti-Zionist rhetoric, yes, I am certainly the main party responsible.

Now, some might say, “Nick, this philosophy is extremely self centered on the scope of a serious, undiagnosed, egomania”

Fair enough, but I would argue that it is no less egomaniacal than trying to claim that Obama’s Cairo speech was the real turning point, or when the newscasters try frantically to explain the lack of anti-US sentiment, when people try to claim that a democratic Egypt will be the equivalent of Afghanistan or the Gaza strip, will suddenly throw off its ties to America and dissolve the peace with Israel.

Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with America or Israel… maybe it’s something Egyptian, some real life problems they faced that required a more representative government. Maybe it had nothing to do with us at all, maybe it’s Egypt’s matter and has nothing to do with us, is nothing more complicated than a power fight in a foreign state. Maybe we should let the Egyptian people just have their moment; maybe it’s not all about us…

Nahhh……. That’s crazy…

January 11, 2011


by nkwilczy

Much like the Detox post below I suspect that youtube will cut this out before too long (And will I update it? No! Lazy bastard!), on the other hand the Decemberists are not Dr. Dre with regards to their philosophy on intellectual property.

But the song fits the national atmosphere du jour. It fits with the last post. All that remains is the arms of the angels.

Also, check out the Links page at the top.

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